its really fucking hard

to make decisions about someone when they're 9 hours ahead and 7000 miles away. maybe i'm worrying about it too much. maybe i need to let go of my shit and trust someone. finally. i wanted to before he left. i wanted to put my heart in a little velvet lined box and say "take this with you and don't leave it behind when you come home". maybe i wanted him because i knew once he left i wouldn't have to give him anything but emails and a phone call or two, no commitment, no rescheduling my life. just someone to talk to, someone to tell about things. its easy, being half a world away, not to be too attatched. but his time is half way up, in the same time again that he's been gone he'll be here and i'll have to figure out how to deal with that. how to juggle school and plays and production meetings and exams and papers and a boy who i've known for years but never really knew. i'm having to figure out how to manage my time just for myself right now and its driving me insane. but i told him i would be here when he gets back, i would give him what he wanted to wait for. i didn't mean to want him. i went into this like i've gone into the last few. i tried to keep my hands on skin and my mind on the weather. i didn't want to give him anything more than a good time, don't all soldiers just want a good time before they ship out? but my mind wandered, and so did my hands. and they met up in the middle and it went downhill from there. i gave up more of my mind and less of my body than i wanted to, than i ever intended to do again. i let him get under my skin instead of just on it. and now i'm wondering if i only did that because i knew i couldn't have him the way i wanted so i might as well go head over heels. tumbling down the stairs and i hit my head and i fucked up. i was looking for a good time. i figured he was as good a candidate as any. but he wanted a woman to come home to. apparently some guys want that. that sure is news to me. and while i'm thinking "he wants me to be here when he comes back, he wants to call me, he wants he wants he wants" i can't help but wonder if he only wanted because he needed someone to miss. like i needed someone to miss. because missing is easier than having and dealing. and when he gets back maybe i'll give him what the other guys wanted, and he'll say "gee it was nice thinking about you while i was gone and now i'm back so i don't need you to think about anymore" and i'll be so crushed because i invested all this time in avoiding other guys when i could have been fucking around like i'm so good at doing. commitment scares the ever living shit out of me. i know they can say "i love you i love you i love you" until the second they wake up and decide they never want to seeheartouchsmellfuck you again. and then you're left alone saying i love you to a dial tone and crying into the pillow that still smells like his shampoo and trying to remember what you did before you were in love and failing to find anything thats normal. because nothing is normal. it all gets fucked up. pussy amnesia. i don't want pussy amnesia again. i don't want to talk to dial tones. i don't want to cry in my sleep. and i look into the future of this and i see it blowing up in my face like the other ones blew up in my face. and i don't want to hurt him, but i don't want to hurt me either. maybe i'll just fuck him and when he goes back to the base and i go back to my life we'll realize that we only wanted each other because we needed something to want--a newly single army man and a lonely college girl with a knack for writing letters and a penchant for exaggeration. he needed letters and i needed someone to write to. and that will be it. short sweet and to the point.

i need to stop thinking about this now.

stop