chemical manipulation is easier than will power

i've already had one nap today. i got up 2 hours ago. i already want to go back to sleep. i need to get a job. i need to do something with my time. i could get a hobby. i could take a class or something. but i'm already taking a bunch of other classes. i really do need to get a job. i got offered a job the other day. if it pays well i'll do it. i'm going to talk to the manager probably tomorrow and see if he still wants me. that sounded dirty to me. i'm in a perpetual state of sad horny confusion. i need to be less attached. i need to be detached. i want not to want to be with him. fuck it. FUCK.

goddamnit, i don't want to need anyone. its not like i can have him, anyway. the army won't let me. its got him by the balls for at least the next four years, unless he dies or goes to jail. and i don't like wither of those alternatives. he's talking about wanting a house in town so he doesn't have to stay with his parents when he comes back. i almost offered to get a house with him. why did i do that? we haven't been together collectively a month. there was a period of a few days, then deployment, and he's only been back a few fucking weeks. and i'm losing it. i fucking don't want to lose it again. this shit is why i don't do relationships! i get sad and scared and panic and paranoid and weird and fucking...stupid. and i want to spend every waking moment looking at his face and doing anything he wants and i ignore my friends and i get all submissive and i dont fucking like it. i don't understand why he won't just let me fuck him and go on about my business. because fucking is easy to deal with. its simple. its in-out-in-out-see-you-later-bye. none of this cuddling and "i like you because" and kissing under the covers and holding hands walking down the street and ooshy gooshy shit. i would love to have the ooshy gooshy shit without my mental fuckupedness that comes with it. i don't know why i can't just let it be for when he's here and when he's gone go on about my every day. i'm all or nothing. batteries not included. leave the money on the dresser and get out. i'm loving the hell out being with him when he's here, but when he goes back to the base he rips my heart out and takes it with him. i'm trying so hard not to love him. the time apart seems to make it subside, but he comes back and i turn to a puddle of warm jello and he can put me in whatever mould he wants me to be in. ugh. FUCK.

fuck fuck fuck. i need meds. or a blow to the head. or something.